Yes to day is my BIRTHDAY! And Jenn has been keeping a secret from me for over a week.............

 My best friend C. from Alabama has been home for a month, (she and her partner are truck drivers, her partner is on the road alone....C. needed a break). C. and I talk bacically everday. Jenn and C. planned for C. to come up here this past Friday for my b-day. So, Jenn's big surprise was to get my best friend up here, who I don't get to see but maybe 2x a year!! I didn't know they had been planning this all along. They were really slick....

I was under the impression the birthday surprise was that she was taking me somewhere, cause she told me to be ready to head back out the door when I got home from work on Friday. So I've been trying to figure it out all week. I knew it would be special, cuz she was trying to top last years present. Last year she took me to Orlando to see Melissa Etheridge in concert at the House of Blues. We were probably 10ft from the stage. It was standing room only. And Jenn got us a membership to the Melissa Etheridge fan club, so we had early entry to the concert, along with the other couple hundred members. But it was the best concert I have been to. We also went to Epcot. We were only there for the weekend. So, she told me last year she didn't know how she could top that!

But I think that it was the sweetest thing for her to get my best friend, C. to drive 8 hours to come spend time with me!! How great is that? I am the luckiest person in the world!!!

We didn't do much while C. was here. Just spent time together, all three of us. We went out on the Harley's yesterday. And last night Jenn went to bed abut 12am and C. and I stayed up till about 3:30 talking. It had been the first time she has been to our home. (As embarrassed as I was about the condition it is in.......and I apologized to C. that she had to see it this way....but as a true best friend she doesn't care about that. And in my mind I knew she didn't...but I still felt compelled to say something. ...I know her well enough to know that she doesn't give a shit about stuff like that.) C. and I have known each other for about 11 years. and at one point we lost touch due to some stupid misunderstanding, which caused us about 5 years out of our friendship. And last Valentines day, something told me to just try to contact her and see what happens. So, I did and it was the best decision I could have made. Now it seems as if we were never apart. It sucks though that she and her partner, M. live 8 hours away.

C. and I know everything there is to know about each other.....And I mean everything. We talk about everything you can think of, and then some. Of course some of our conversations, Jenn and M. have made it clear that they wish to be excluded from. We don't keep secrets and we always express ourselves....(only the good kind of secrets/surprises)....C. and M. really like Jenn, which is great. C. and M. have been together for 13 years, C. is a year older than me and M. is 18 years older than her!! And they are truck drivers; they go all over the country. And have been driving together for approx 8 years.....

It was wonderful having C. up here for my b-day.....it was a great b-day present!!!!!!!!!

PS.....In case you are wondering, I turned 34 today!! I can hardly believe it my-self.

This damn rain!! It hasn't stopped since it started last night.......hasn't even lightened up....yuk!

And we have to go to the grocery store!! Don't want to go out, but t.p. is a necessity!! So, I guess we will brave it......

My grandmother died in 1995. She was in a nursing home. My grandfather died Christmas Eve of 1990. Not long after his death, my grandmother (Memaw) had several "mini" strokes. That no one knew about. She then fell and hurt herself in her home. She was hospitalized and by that night had a sever heart attack. (A few years earlier she had had a triple by-pass). With in a day or two she had a massive stroke while in the hospital, that again no one realized until the symptoms showed. (I was one of the people who spotted the difference in her and pointed this out to the nursing staff.) From this point on she never returned home. She was uncooperative with rehabilitation and had to be moved to a nursing home. (It was aweful, cause she would only yell "Help me! Help me!". And she would grab anyone who came close to her. It didn't matter if it was your arm, leg, or hair. Once she grabbed you, it was difficult to get her to let go. (I don't think she had any control over these movements.) Anyway, to make a long, heart-wrenching story short, my Mema stayed in the nursing home for quite a long time. Her roommate was completely and utterly silent and was in a permanent fetal position and had a feeding tube in her stomach. It was sad to see. My Mema's G.I. track stopped working right. She couldn't swallow even water. So, a decision had to be made about inserting a feeding tube. My Mom and her 4 siblings were called together with the social worker of the nursing home and discussed the options. Being a grandchild (The second oldest of 9 grandchildren and I was the only girl), I was not invited into this meeting. However, my Mom asked me to be there. I was waiting outside the conference room and my Mom came out to ask fill me in and ask my opinion and feelings. They were trying to decide if a feeding tube should be inserted into her stomach. I asked if that was done would Mema end up like her roommate? I was told that she probably would, that the tube would just be sutstaining her. And that she could stay like that for a long time. (At this point I understood that her body was shutting down...and she didn't recognize anyone. I was the last person she even recognized. She didn't know who any of her children were or where she was.) I asked my Mom what would happen if they didn't put in the feeding tube, and was told that my Mema would die of starvation (more like nutrition) and dehydration. It was so hard for me to think of my Mema being like her roommate. Just existing because of the mechanical devices, never being able to get up or even move, or even think. Having people constantly looking at her in that state, waiting for someone to change her diapers, cover her up, wipe her forehead, turn her over.....Just existing as a shell of who she once was. Her mind was no longer there, unable to cognitively process, have control over her environment, express or feel emotions. This person in the bed was not the Mema I used to know, that would squeeze my hand hard while we crossed the street or walked through a parking lot;my fingers would be squished together as she held my hand.......(the memories that stick with us???) I told my Mom that I did not want my Mema to end up being a vegatable, any more than she already was. And I didn't like the thought of her starving to death. So, which choice should we make. My Mom was in agreement with me. No feeding tube. She could not live without my grandfather (Papa), Mema was never going home, she would never recover........let her go..........

I have never forgotten the way my Mema looked and when I looked into her eyes I could tell she had no idea who we were or where she was. She may not even known who she was. I have never forgotten how her roommate looked curled up in the bed. (she was an elderly woman also). Everytime I went to visit my Mema, her roomm ate was always the same. (I had been told she had been like that for years...did her people forget about her?)

It may have been cruel to let my Mema die like that, but what more could we do? I truly believe that she forgave us and understood in the end.....

If I am ever in that situation, if I am being sustained on life support with no hope of any type of function; I don't want to be a burden on my lover or family. Life is too short, I want them to move on, live their lives and find peace. Let me go. It's not fair to them to expect them to keep me around for years on machines and it is just my body. If I am a vegatable, my partner and my loved ones know that that is not the person I am. And I wouldn't want them to remember me that way, I don't want their hearts to break with the pain of seeing me there like that. It wouldn't be fair......to them or to me........................................ 

I am only writing what I think and feel. It is not to make a political statement or cause any religious debates. I am just sad and frustrated at the situation re: Terri Schiavo. 

Is it right for us to pass judgment on the Terri Schiavo's husband? No one but Michael and Terri Schiavo can know what was discussed between the two of them at this point. If I am not mistaken, Terri Schiavo has been in this vegetative state for at least 15 years. I can understand if it had been 6 months or a couple of years. But more than 10 years? And if it has been medically proven by numerous doctors that there is no brain activity or any scientific proof that she will recover, why should the court or her parents have a say in what happens to her? Now if she was single and had no children, then of course the next of kin (her parents) would be the decision makers in her place. But this is not the case here. She has a husband. And if people think he is going to gain something from her death, please tell me what it is. I can't imagine what her medical costs have been over the years. How can she or her husband have any money left? And just because Michael Schiavo has found another partner, can you blame him? after 15 years? Do you really think she expects him to just sit there and wait? Is he no longer allowed to have intimacy? To be loved in return? To be taken care of? To have a life? Just because he may have found another partner, doesn't mean he doesn't still love Terri.

I think that the final decision after all these years should be Terri's husbands. Not the court, not the parents, not the siblings. Michael's. She was an adult when the accident occured. She was married and no longer a dependent of her parents. Our news paper here said that the parents lawyer said that this is likened to murder. The judge said that "That is an emotional rhetoric of this case..."

When Terri's brother said that "...seeing her was like looking at "pictures of prisoners in concentration camps." She is probably emaciated, thin, and looks like she is about to die. They obviously don't realize that when someone is in a vegetative state for so long and are unable to move, what do they think happens to the body? In that condition someone would eventually have no body fat and their muscles will deteriorate. They have a tendency to look like stick people. It is not a pleasant sight. Just lying there for days, weeks, months, and years with little to no circulation; what do you expect the body to do? It just can't sustain a person in the same condition they may have been in prior to this.

This is 2005, and we have come a long way in our medical and scientific facts and research. We are sure as hell farther than we were 10 or 20 years ago.

I understand that in cases like this most people are acting or reacting based on their emotions. And some people, including Terri's parents think they are making decisions in the "best interest" of their loved one. But I think that it is important to dig deep inside, look deep into yourselves and make damn sure that the actions you want to take are really for the person this is about and not for you. Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing and making choices we think that our loved ones would want. When in reality, it is our own needs we are trying to meet, we just can't see past those desires.

I've been following the Terri Schiavo case and I am very frustrated. I believe that everyone should be prepared in case something tragic happens and cannot make decisions for oneself. And since this country may never recognize same sex partner's rights to carry out the wishes of their partner it is even more imperative that everyone be prepared. If the gov't can intervene in a heterosexual partnership....they wouldn't hesitate to take decisions away from same sex couples....

I really think this is something everyone should think about regardless of your sexual orientation. You should have your ducks in a row. If something happens to me, Jenn would not be considered the decision maker for me. My Mom and/or Dad would. But I will make sure that she has a say in whatever happens to me. I have decided to make Jenn, my Mom, and my best friend (C.) the decisions makers for me should I be incompetant or medically unable. And I am going to be putting it in writting. And making sure we have a copy in our safty deposit box and my Mom and C. have a copy....

So, please continue to read and seriously consider what is important to you.....

1.Pick at least 3 people; spouse,parent/next of kin, and very dear friend or whatever you are comfortable with. But at least 3 people. These 3 people will be the ones to make sure that you wishes are carried out as you have made clear while of sound mind and body.    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;  

2. And in the event that one of those persons are unable to participate, then the other 2 will select a 3rd person to act in the other's place.

3. The 3 people you chose will also choose 2 physicians to carry out your wishes.

4. Make sure you cover all bases: illness, accident, terminal or incurable.

5. Decide now while you are of sound mind and body, in the case of illness or accident, whether you want the physicians to withhold and discontinue extraordinary means of life support and wither you want them to withhold or discontinue either artificial nutrition or hydration or both. 

6. Decide now while you are of sound mind and body, if you have terminal and incurable that upon the diagnosis of both these conditions that the 2 physicians that were chosen by the 3 persons may withhold or discontinue extraordinary means only. And whether you direct the physician to not begin artificial nutrition or hydration.

(This next one, some of you may not agree with, and may be the hardest decision for your loved ones to make for you. And may even be hard for you to decide now.)

7. Decide while you are of sound mind and body that if your condition is terminal and incurable that upon the diagnosis of both of these conditions by 2 physicians chosen by the 3 persons that you direct the physician to end your life by any medical means agreed upon by the 3 persons.

Well, here's the weekend after a stressful work week. My supervisor was terminated on monday. It was a bit of a surprise. However, our E.D. is trying to clean things up in our office. And I found out that my co-worker who was hired the same time I was for the same type of position as me was also hired to be a "consultant". Meaning she is basically evaluating the "issues" within our area of the office to see what things can be improved/what the dynamics are/weakness/strengths.....I found this out on Monday. I think that other than the E.D. I am the only person that knows this.

It has been a stressful week, not only because of the termination but because I had to pick up the slack and take care of unfinished business from the former supervisor. So, my time was spent handling those clients that were on her case load that she was working on things for and had really no time for my own client stuff. WHEW!

More on this in the next posting!

So, here's more about the drama of my work life. Well, we have right now a total of 4 Case Managers. One of them is still on maternity leave and will be back on 3/28. She took 3 months off. So all her case load had to be divided up. Then this past tues and wed. the other 2 Case Managers had to go to Columbia for a training about our computer program. Glad I didn't go....(it's not something I need to know about....has something to do with reporting)So, since the supervisor was terminated on monday and they were gone for 2days and the other one is still out....that only left me in the office as the only case manager! and you figure we each have about 60+ Clients. Some more active and needy then others. So, I had to finish the stuff that was left after the termination and also show my E.D. how to do a couple of case management things. Basically this put me behind.

Needless to say, there is an opening at our agency. Hasn't been posted yet. Myself and my other co-worker nominated the other co-worker who has the same creditentials as me to take the position. We are the only two in the office with Master's degrees and our Licenses. Trust me, I don't want the position or responsibility that comes with it. Not to mention having to clean up the mess left behind from the former supervisor. But if my co-worker takes the position and moves into the other office, I want her office!! I have already made this clear!

btw..our building used to be a gynocologists (sp?) office (ob/gyn). So all the case managment offices used to be exam rooms!! isn't that a hoot! They are all different shapes and have these little alcoves that used to be the changing areas!! But you wouldn't know it now, after the redecoration.

Ok, guess that is enuff. I know if I write too long, know one will read it.

gotta luv tattoos to do something like this....this is my 5 dragon tat!

it's on my right thigh.

Well, this is the best I can do with this damn list! I can't seem to get the spaces out...I have tried everything. I even took some stuff out!! I must be missing something.........

Anyone have any suggestions?

v    & nbsp;   Love to show off my tattoos; Want more tattoos.

v    & nbsp;   I have had anger management issues in the past.

v    & nbsp;   Used to hate myself.

v    & nbsp;   Wish I was creative…

v    & nbsp;   I love romance...

v    & nbsp;   I love really nice restaurants.

v    & nbsp;   I love taking vacations with my partner.

v    & nbsp;   I can be hyper sometimes

v    & nbsp;   I am pretty neutral on Coca-Cola and Pepsi.

v    & nbsp;   I say "soda".

v    & nbsp;   I love to dance at the club. (Love to dance to "booty" music)

v    & nbsp;   Not a big fan of techno music.

v    & nbsp;   I do not like potato salad.

v    & nbsp;   Love pizza

v    & nbsp;   I love to read fantasy books...like Robert Jordan & Terry Goodkind.

v    & nbsp;   I llloovvveee dragons......any

v    & nbsp;   I have 5 dragon tattoos.

v    & nbsp;   J. and I have helmet stickers with the number ‘69’ on them.

v    & nbsp;   I have my Bachelor's of Social Work degree.

v    & nbsp;   I also have my Master of Social Work degree.

v    & nbsp;   I am also licensed with my Master's degree.

v    & nbsp;   I want to eventually open my own private therapy practice.

v    & nbsp;   I have dreamed of opening a homeless shelter for women and children

v    & nbsp;   I had a 3.678 GPA in grad school.

v    & nbsp;   I dropped out of high school my senior year; I got my high school diploma when I was 22..

v    & nbsp;   I will be 34 in 3 weeks.

v    & nbsp;   I want to at least live past   80; And I want J. to live past   80.

v    & nbsp;   I don't like raw onions; But I like onion rings

v    & nbsp;   I don't like sushi.

v    & nbsp;   Love a good bottle of red wine.

v    & nbsp;   I want my partner to be happy.

v    & nbsp;   I want to go to Sturgis.

v    & nbsp;   I have never been on a cruise; Would like to take an Olivia Cruise.

v    & nbsp;   I don't understand why people stop 10-20ft before the white line at a stop light.

v    & nbsp;   I drink hot tea (regular or English breakfast tea), with sugar and half-n-half.

v    & nbsp;   I don't like lesbian drama.

v    & nbsp;   One of my favorite helmet stickers on my helmet is...."Lord help me to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;    

So, I love to read National Geographic. Does that make me a geek? Anyway, I came across this unusual article in Feb.'s edition.

The power of the female....hehehehe!! IF YOU KEEP READING, then you will see why I say that!

"Robert Vrijenhoek went looking for some clams and instead discovered something that belongs in the Hall of Very Weird Animals.

He was on a research ship floating 20 miles off the coast of California, above Monterey Canyon. It was February 6, 2002, and 9,000 feet below, a robotic submersible surveyed the seafloor, desolate but for a little algae and the occasional clump of grass or rogue plastic bag. Suddenly the camera glimpsed the carcass of a whale colonized by worms with red, feathery protrusions. The sub nabbed some bones for a closer look.

The worms looked a bit like the tube worms that live around deep-sea vents, only they were much smaller. Vrinjenhoek named the new genus Osedax, meaning 'bone devourer.' They'd been feeding on the ribs of a 30-foot-long gray whale that sunk to the depths of the canyon (such a carcass is called a whale fall). ['If there's something to eat, somebody will find a way to eat it,'] Vrinjenhoek says."

KEEP READING...you will get a kick out of this....I can't wait to hear responses to this one!!! lol

"All of these Osedax scavengers, however, turned out to be females. Where were the males? "

"The mystery took two years to solve. An Australian researcher named Greg Rouse identified microscop ic "sperm packages" inside the female worms tubes. Further inquiry revealed that the packages were the males, little sperm factories living off blobs of yolk. ["They just sit there giving sperm to the female until their yolk runs out."], Rouse says.

Sexual dimorphism---where males and females exist in different forms---is common in the natural world. In humans, males are slightly bigger than females. In some anglerfish species, on the other hand, the male is comically petite, attaching himself to the female and withering away, leaving only his testes.

Vrijenhoek says he knows of no sexual dimorphism as extreme as in Osedax. The males live there hole itty-bitty lives inside the tubes of the females, servicing their reproductive needs in an otherwise thankless existance....."

---Joel Achenbach, Washington Post Staff Writer. 

" 'Male' means having a Y chromoson, right? Not always. Environment, not gentics, determines sex in some species. Researchers postulate that Osedax begin as unsexed floating larvae. If they land away from the other females feeding on whale carcass, they become female. If they land on a female worm, their development is arrested, and they live ever after as male sperm donors inside the female."

---Heidi Shultz 

 "... for more on Osedax and for liks to Joel Achenbach's work, go to Resources at http://nationalgeographic .com/magazine/0502" title="http://nationalgeographic .com/magazine/0502" target="_blank"http://nationalgeographic .com...

I don't know what I am going to say about this. But I know that I want  everyone to know about a woman that was an important part of my life as a small child, adolescent and young adult. She was someone who I looked to for inspiration, praise, warmth and positive energy.

Her name was Valentine. That was what she named herself many years ago. When I was first introduced to her about the age of 6, she went by the name Lavender. She was an attorney that worked with child custody cases back in the 1970's. She was my mother's first attorney in the battle for custody for me. And in the 70's it was even more difficult for women to be single and raise a child, not to mention be a lesbian and raise a child. As far as the judicial system was concerned, lesbian's were seen as unfit mother's and should not be given custody. So, you can see that way back then, it was a struggle for women like Valentine. Valentine was one of those women who made waves. Who were not going to conform to what society thought was supposed to be "normal". She had a big machete and she cut her own path....she came out swinging! Valentine always had a smile for anyone who needed it, and even if they didn't. Her personality was laid-back, never rushed, and always soothing. When you were in a conversation with her, she listened with her being. You knew she was really listening to you, never with that distracted-listening behavior. She didn't rush you. If you were going to be in her company, she made sure she had time for you. She was upfront, honest, and said what she meant. There was never a time that I can recall that after speaking to her, I ever walked away questioning her intentions or her words. I always left her presence, or hung up the phone and felt as if the sun had just pushed the storm away and displayed it's beautiful, magnificant rainbow over me, like a suit of armor. For those moments that I was blessed to interact or communicate with her, I felt as if the storm that had hovered over me, had been shoved out to sea. She was that sun and that rainbow all wrapped up in one. I had never in my young, emotionally twisted years, connected with anyone who was as well-balanced and as radiant as Valentine. I don't know how other's saw her or perceived her character. There are many older lesbians like my mother and those of her generation that knew Valentine in a different adult maturely understood way, but to one who saw her as a child to a mentor, this is my perception of her. Even as I reflect on my feelings, memories, and teenage idolization of Valentine, I cannot recall any flaws. She was the type of person, lesbian, and human being that I used to strive to be.

To Valentine, I wish you peace and rest wherever you are. You deserve to be without suffering and pain and to only feel God's love, warmth, and devotion. I pray that God has welcomed you with open arms, He will embrace you and you will be able to sit at his side, forever healthy, safe and free.

I never got to tell you that I love you. Take care, Valentine. 

**Valentine A. died on 2/14/2005 in Charleston, SC. She ended the pain and suffering she had endured for 3 years. She will be greatly missed by so many.

well, I called in sick today. I always feel guilty when I take a sick day. but I got to watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And now I am going to go watch Supernanny! I love those two shows.

Well, I got all but one load of laundry done. This means that I put everything away...where it belongs! (this was no simple task!) J. and I were supposed to do this together today, but she woke up not feeling well this a.m. So I played on the computer a while, washed some laundry, did the dishes, fixed us something to eat, and straightened up our bedroom.

Oh, I start my martial arts class this thursday! I can't wait, yet I am a bit nervous. some of it is coming back to me, from when I took it years ago. I will have to blog about it once I start.

J. is sleeping on the couch right now, this is where she has been all day. That is what she does when she is not feeling well. Sleeps all day. I guess her body tells her that she ain't gonna do anything, so she might as well sleep. We didn't have anything for her to take. Like nyquil...if she isn't better tomorrow then I will stop and get her something on my way home.

I better get us both in bed. I have a busy, paper-work stacked day tomorrow. But then again this is not unusual!

This is my prescious baby, Sara! She lets her Mommy do whatever, and is so good-natured about it!

Now isn't that the cutest thing you ever did see? She is such a ham!

I couldn't help myself, I had to take this pic! And Sara is such a bed hog! J. tells her this all the time, but it doesn't seem to do any good! lol

How pathetic is this? lol...sweet! This is Chance, not long after we got this muzzle for him last summer. It isn't hurting him. We use it to calm him down. (per suggestion of the trainer!) Now he seems to find it comforting, like a security blanket when I have to put it on him. He calms right down, and stops acting like he hasn't got any sense!! lol

This is when J. and I road our bikes to Raleigh. ( I had my Buell then, was a very long ride.) It would be much better now, with my new bike!

This was also before she cut her hair! I wonder what she is thinking, looking at me like that? lol

J. with her mom's dog, Fancy! That is a spoiled rotten dog...and her mom knows it!! Fancy really likes to make sure your face is clean.............lol

This is me, b4 I cut my hair and got braces. I think it was taken in October 2004 at the job I had b4 I got my present one!

This was me at age 8. This is the best pic I have of me as a child. I don't know what happened as I got older! lol

This is a bad morning hair day for me! lol! I was at my volunteer job. Can you tell I am not quite awake yet? (need caffeine!)

Well, J. and I went on a bike run today. It was a bike ride to support "Relay for Life"....which is for cancer research. I believe all the donations go to the American Red Cross.

I should have taken a pic of the place we started. It is called "Ladson Bait and Tackle"...I didn't see any bait or tackle in there. Just a bar and pool tables. It is a dive also!

Anyway, can't really say how many bikes were there. Registration was at 11:30 a.m. People were already drinking beer (with the breakfast they served!). J. couldn't get her bike started! I will let her tell you about that jennirae269 

It was a little chilly when we first started. I was a bit nervous, having never ridden with so many hardcore bikers around!

Oh, and not only did we have a problem with J's bike to start with, by the end of the ride we had a problem with mine! We were at this other biker bar dive, when I went to turn in to the gravel parking lot, I had shifted down to 1st gear, and as I parked I noticed something missing. The fucking foot peg thingy that you use to shift with, had flown off my bike. The arm that it is attached to was the only thing there! So, we were stuck, but called this bike mechanic shop that we had to stop at on the run, ("Nightmare's Custom Bike Shop") and the mechanic, (he goes by the name "Nightmare" came all the way out there to us and replaced the part for only $10! No charge for driving there or for the work! What a nice guy/shop! And it wasn't even a cheesy one. He put on a diamond pattern peg!

So, when we were at Fat Boy's, they were doing door prizes and a silent auction. Well, we had these tickets that we bought at the beginning of the ride, 5 for $2 (I think). Well, I had told J. that I could do without visiting that one nasty place..."Dixie Dawg House" and she agreed. Well, one of my ticket number's was called for a door prize....and can you guess what I won? A $25 bar tab at Dixie Dawg House!! What kind of shit is that? So, I talked to the owner of Fat Boy's ...and she sold my bar tab for $20 and gave me the cash!! How cool is that?

Anyway, J. and I met a few people....and enjoyed ourselves on the ride. We didn't drink at every stop!! Of course, there were some riders that did! When we finally got home, about 9pm we were frozen solid! I thought my finger's were going to fall off!! But it was worth it! I really had a great time, and got to spend time with my honey!

btw, I think I will post some more random, silly pics that I downloaded from my camera!!

This place was a real dive! It was very scary! Had plywood floors...we didn't get warm fuzzies when we went in there! Left as soon as possible!

Believe it or not, this was the women's restroom in the Dixie Dawg House! The toilet was raised up on a platform! Whole restroom looked like it hadn't been cleaned in at least 20 yrs!! YUCK!!

YUCK!! This was what we had to look at while using the restroom in the Dixie Dawg House! I was in shock, so I thought I'd share it with all our tblog friends...DISGUSTING!!!

Rider's Saloon is the 2nd to the last stop on the bike ride. This one was after the Dixie Dawg House. Thank goodness it was much nicer than DDH!

This is the nice bartender at Rider's Saloon. She helped us with one of the answer's to the questions on the "Scavenger Hunt" sheet we had to fill out. That's a refridgerater behind her that has been painted. Never seen that before!

This is part of what Rider's Saloon looks like on the inside. It is really big!

And this is what Rider's Saloon looks like from the outside. Cars parked on this side of the poles and bikes parked on the other....Of course I took this after the bikes had left...we were last.

This is a pic of some of the bikes that participated in this run! Wish this was a better image...there were some hot bikes there!!

This was the inside to Fat Boy's in Monck's Corner. This biker bar was the last stop on the bike run. It was an ok place. We may go back there.

This is Jenn. I have been working on getting these pictures on here all damn morning, and finally just made Lori a PRO user too, because I couldn't figure out how to make the other shit work. So here are some pictures. Lori can come back and comment later....until then make up your own comments!

Well, J. and I did get to ride our Harley's on Sunday. We had to go to the Harley shop to pick up my registration. As soon as we left the neighborhood, my bike died on me. Had to pull over. I flipped the reserve on, but there seemed to be only enuf gas to crank it, not accelerate it. So her uncle brought me some gas. When we get to the shop and I talk to one of the mechanics, he informs me that there is a recall on the newer Sportster's (mine's a 2004). They put the petcock (reserve switch) on backwards! So the whole time my switch was on "on", it was really on reserve. So I used up all my gas, and didn't know it. It should be on "on" until you need to switch it to "reserve". But not the case here!

Anyway, we went to the chik bar for some free food which was being served for SuperBowl. We left there about 7pm and about froze our fingers off. Believe me, we had on longjohns under our jeans, chaps, leather vests, longjohn shirts, t-shirts and leather jackets. Plus our helmets and those neoprene masks that make us look like a cross between "Jason" and bank-robbers! We both wear leather gloves and glove liners...WE STILL FROZE OUR ASSES OFF!!

Yesterday, after work I went shopping for martial arts studios that are close to our home. I used to take martial arts, years ago. But I don't want to go back to the place I went to before. I found this studio, that was really welcoming and nice. The instructor is a bit younger than me, but very capable. I watched him with the 9-12yr olds and the teens. And I really enjoyed how he instructed them. They really believe in positive reinforcement.

I feel the need to go back into this for a couple of reasons. 1. I really enjoy anything that has to do with martial arts! (I'm a huge Bruce Lee fan!) 2. I need to do something that I can feel good about. 3. I really need something like this to help build up my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. These feelings are really low and it doesn't help that I am very critical of myself. Especially critical of myself at work. Martial Arts helps build up your ability to focus, and stay on task, as well as self-discipline. These are things that I really need and want to improve on, for my own well-being and emotional health. I feel that I have nothing right now that I am [consistantly] good at. I don't even feel like I am good at my job. (however, I am working on that).

[not to mention, if I get to start martial arts lessons, then I will have to quit smoking! and maybe J. will too, if I do.]

I'm not a competitive person. I've never played sports, never been good at it. J. used to be involved in all sorts of extracurricular activities. Softball, raquetball, tennis, bowling. Hell I broke my pinky finger catching a mini-Nerf football! (that's a story for another blog-time). I'm not jealous of J's abilities, I just want to be good at something too. I want to feel like I can accomplish something. And not to prove anything to anyone else. But to prove it to MYSELF! I have a hard time following through with things. (of course this may be due to my ADHD). I need to do this for my own self-worth. I know it costs money. Which this is the part I'm worried about. I don't want to add another stress to J.'s list of financial stresses. But if I don't do something soon....I'll go crazy! Yes, in some ways I am good at my job...or rather I am good with clients, I am good at my volunteer work (I'm a volunteer for a crisis intervention and information/referral hotline...through Trident United Way) But, certain aspects of this and my career are just naturally apart of me. But I need to do something that doesn't involve helping people solve their problems, or meet/assess their needs. I need a totally different outlet.

I feel like I have worked on parts of myself over the past 2yrs and made some changes...some of which are very noticable...some of which are parts that only J. knows about. But those parts are not finished yet, or rather need more.

I know it sounds like I am rambling and repeating myself. Sorry for that. My med has prolly worn off. lol

I talked to my best friend...C. tonite hiwayhomos...if you read their blog, it will tell you that they are in California with C's parents. Well, you will never believe this.......They went to the Price Is Right show this a.m. C., M., C's Dad and Mom. They got in and C's Dad actually got picked as a contestant. He made it all the way to the final round, you know where there are I think 3 of them that bid on some expensive shit. Well, he missed that part by $400..but he fucking won $10,000.00!! Can you fucking believe that? How lucky is that? The show will be aired on March 7. So watch it if you can. His name is Tom (on his name tag it says "Thomas") I just think that it's unbelievable!!!!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!! I think it is FANTASTIC!

Well, I guess that is it for now. J. has gone to bed...so I need to also.

PS..I ran my Women's Support Group tonight, (HIV/AIDS)...(female clients from our agency). It went really well. And they told me that they really enjoy and look forward to coming to group now, more so than in the past. They feel like they really get something from it. (this really made me feel good. I'm glad I can put that expensive education to some good use!!)

I was watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (my favorite show) tonight. If you didn't see it, the team helped out a woman who was trying to run a 20acre hay farm with just her two children (11yrs old boy and 8yr old girl.) The husband/father had died 3 months ago in a car accident....yes I always cry when I watch this show...

But as I watched this show, it brought my own worries to the forefront of my mind. I have high anxiety and am a (for lack of better description) "chronic worrier". I worrier about things that are more than just daily routine thoughts or situations. I guess you could say I worry about the "what if's". I know this may sound stupid to some. But to me it isn't . These thoughts that I have are very hard to control. I have to struggle all the time to keep them smothered, so that they don't overwhelm me. It's not that they are bad or whatever. These things that I think about are not healthy for me. And when I say not healthy, I mean that they could eat at me, and drown me in depression. I am already an emotional person. So, I don't need any additional shit to make it worse. I know you are wondering what kind of thoughts...

It used to be worse...I would constantly worry about J. and things that could happen to her. Things that could take her from me. Silly things like a car accident/motorcycle accident,  (she used to not wear a helmet when she rode her bike...but she bought one because I asked her to and she wears it)...for example. Or sickness, or sudden death. That is why when J. and I first got together, I'd say prolly after the first couple of months...she went and got us cell phones. Because I would get so anxious and emotional when I couldn't reach her. I don't mean freakin' out...like jealous or possessive shit. I mean, I was just worked up with anxiety or emotions worrying what could have happened to her...All sorts of worst-case scenarios would go stomping through my head.

Let me just say, I have had plenty of therapy and I am a Licensed Social Worker who studied the clinical track in grad school, so I know what is logical and that I can't control events...But that doesn't mean that the thoughts are easily controlled. I know what I am supposed to do to change these distorted thoughts. I know what I am supposed to tell myself. But sometimes, the shit just sneaks up on me and I can't stop it. I can distract myself with other things within my environment, for a brief time. But there are times of the day, when there is nothing to distract me. Like at night......

 Let me tell you how silly worried I get, (please don't use the word paranoid) J. usually falls asleep before me and I usually read or watch t.v. in bed, every so often I will stop reading/watching t.v. just to stare at her...watch the covers rise and fall. Make sure that she is ok. This doesn't occur once in a blue moon. It is quite often actually. I have to make sure she is breathing, to reassure myself that she is fine. I'm sure some of you prolly think this is stupid. But to me it is serious..........I worry when she gets a headache, or isn't feeling well. I know, I know, everyone is concerned for their loved one, when they aren't feeling well.But it isn't the same, cuz my thoughts turn to the worst possible cause and what might happen. (if you are reading this, J. this doesn't mean I want you to keep things from me. That would prolly b worse.)

I agree with what my therapist told me one time. That this kind of anxiety and thought process can be known as "anticipatory grief". This is when someone grieves for what may or may not happen to a loved one. It's like you are preparing yourself a head of time for the loss of the loved one. This is usually the result of someone who was missing or out of reach in your childhood. The missing someone from your childhood was your life-line, someone you needed but who couldn't help you. Someone you were so completely comfortable with...

J. is the one person who I have been able to be completely and utterly, no-holding-back, vulnerable with. She accepts me for me, doesn't judge me. Doesn't make fun of me when I tell her my secrets, the thoughts I can't tell anyone else. She accepts the fact that my mind works this way, and that sometimes it may make absolutely no sense to her...but she just goes with the flow. She is the first person, EVER to say, she wished she could make it all better for me. Meaning, all the shit I carry around inside of me. (not even my mom has said that). She wraps her protective arms around me, envelopes me with her warm silent strength. When I am having a moment, she doesn't ask intruding questions, like what and why. She just patiently waits for me to tell her or not. She is the Yin to my Yang. J. keeps me grounded, secure, and safe.

And all this leads to another worry. (I told you, it's not the "normal" kind of worries.) I worry that when I say these things, she will become to afraid to express any of her own emotions. Because she wants to be strong for me. She doesn't want to upset me. But I try to tell her, that yes, I see her as my rock...but that she doesn't have to play that role all the time. And that it is ok for her to express herself and that she can tell me what she needs. 

I just feel blessed and grateful all the time that we were brought together. I try to tell her as often as I can how much I appreciate her. When I see how our friends and others that we know are struggling to find someone special to spend their lives with, or are ending a relationship...I think to myself how lucky I am. I want her to know how very special she is to me. I have NEVER had anyone treat me the way she does. No one has ever wanted to take care of me. (That is what she said to me when we first started dating. I asked her what she wanted, and she said to me..."I want to take care of you." Believe it or not, I was speechless.) (making me speechless is no simple task!)

We have a really great relationship. Of course, it has it's moments. But we never yell at each other or say nasty things. That won't ever happen. Cuz we decided in the beginning that we both refuse to have the kind of crappy, mundane, boring, emotionless, resentful, angry relationships that we each had in the past. We set up ground rules and boundaries from the beginning. And I think it has worked for the most part.

I just wish I could be more like her. It frustrates me that I am like this. Sometimes I feel fucked up, abnormal. People at work and outside of our very small circle, don't see this part of me. I just wish there was some miracle cure or pill that would make it better. Make me "normal" inside. And no, I don't need to be medicated. Been there and done that. I choose not to take anti-depressants any longer. Now I am only on Adderrall (sp?). I do have Ativan at my disposal. But I rarely take it.

Maybe it is just going to take time and more healing in order for me to be able to let these things go. I tell people not to sweat the small stuff, but I worry about shit that doesn't even exist.  I really HATE  this shit. I can't stand being like this!

Well, now that I have babbled endlessly....I'm sure some of you think I am crazy or something at this point. But oh well, there are crazier persons out there on tblog!

Later.....

OK, I decided it was time to get off my arse and start working on the mess in our living room. J. helped me a little bit b4 she laid down to take a nap since she is on night shift this week, again!! We still had crap not put away from our Alabama trip. A bunch of stuff in boxes and the furniture that C. and M. (hiwayhomos).

They gave us the beautiful coffe table and end tables set. The bottom of the tables is like wrought iron (that's what it seems like to me) except that the metal has a dull silver finish to it. And the tops have this faux marble with glass centers. These tables are pretty heavy.

So, anyway, while J. was sleeping I decided to follow through on our plan for part of the living room. (forgetting that I am not as strong as she is!) We have this big couch with a high back. It is one of those double recliner couches with the hide-away/fold down tables in the middle. The couch is one of those wall-huggers. So I had to move it myself...oh, did I mention that the couch also has plugs behind the recliners so that you can plug them in to the wall for vibration!!! lol! But we never use that part. (for you dirty minded individuals, it's not that much vibration!!) So I guess the couch probly has more weight to it cuz of this. Anyway, it took me forever to move it. Then I had to take everything off the entertainment center that J. has had for a million years, (ok, I think she got it just b4 she went to colloge) So it is old and maybe on it's deathbed!) Well, the entertainment center was going aaaalllll the way to the other end of the "living room". And when I say living room, I mean we have a really long one, cuz this mobile home was built in 1978 and whoever had it b4 J. decided to rip out a dividing wall. Which I guess seperated the original living room and a little tiny dining area. So now we have this ridiculously long living room that is a pain to put anything in more than one way. Oh, and there are 3 doorways going from these rooms (all on the same side) into the kitchen and eating area. (which is the same length as the rooms I am describing.) Are you confused yet? Maybe we can take a picture sometime and post them. And there is one of those "windows" like things also cut into the wall in between 2 of these doorways. This window thingy is probly 5' in length and probly 4' in height. So our 6' aquarium sits in from of this in the living room. It is a 125 gal. tank. And once full, you ain't moving it!!! So we have to work around it. And I carried the heavy ass t.v. over there and everything else.

Early, b4 J. laid down, she helped me move the antique vanity that C. and M. had given me. And I think that is what initially fucked up my back!!! After that it was all over for my back.

I wanted to get the room done b4 J. had to get up to get ready for work!! Needless to say, I was in really bad pain when I finally sat down. And it doesn't matter what position I am trying to sit in, it still hurts! So I finally took some Advil and J. told me to use a heating pad tonight when I lay down. If my back is the same or worse tomorrow, then I am going to see my doctor!!!!! (he'll probly give me some ass-kickin' pain killers or something!!)

So I got the living room done, even at the expense of my back. Now I can't stand at the sink and do the dishes. As I type this, I am sitting up straight in this chair. It hurts to sit too far back.

Well, tomorrow is the start of another work day. So I go back to the chaos of my wonderful job! It's not what I do for a living, it's just how it has to be done that makes it chaotic! I hope to see some results this week after meeting with my supervisor and executive director. I will post about it. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed that he will also say that it is ok, if I get a new monitor for my computer in my office. My monitor is probly a 13' and has this slight blur/fuzzy look to it...so I hope my eyes don't get worse from using it!!!

I brought home the laptop from work so that I could do some progress logs on it, to catch up this weekend. Guess I will set myself up on the couch with the heating pad and the laptop and see what I can get done b4 sleepy time!!